Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about fate. Many of my favorite books and songs deal with this idea of fate - whether or not it is something we fight against, go along with, or actually accept as existing.
In particular Dr.Dog’s album, “Fate”, Murakami’s book, “1Q84”, and Tolstoy’s, “Anna Karenina” have been sitting heavily with me as I ruminate on this issue of fate.
"She felt as though her nerves were strings being strained tighter and tighter on some sort of screwing peg. She felt her eyes opening wider and wider, her fingers and toes twitching nervously, something within oppressing her breathing, while all shapes and sounds seemed in the uncertain half-light to strike her with unaccustomed vividness. Moments of doubt were continually coming upon her, when she was uncertain whether the train were going forwards or backwards, or were standing still altogether; whether it were Annushka at her side or a stranger… She was afraid of giving way to this delirium. But something drew her towards it, and she could yield to it or resist it at will." (p.95)
There is something so dark and sinister about my feelings on fate. I think that comes from my natural desire to have control over most things in my life. And to believe in fate or to give into fate, is to relinquish your perceived control of Time or of the things that happen to you.
Also, the symbol of a train plays heavily in Anna Karenina and in the Dr.Dog album. And I guess that’s an obvious choice of symbolism for expressing the notion of fate. However, I love that I found this similarity between the two.
“The music gave her an odd, wrenching kind of feeling. There was no pain or unpleasantness involved, just a sensation that all the elements of her body were being physically wrung out. Aomame had no idea what was going on. Could Sinfonietta actually be giving me this weird feeling?”
This isn’t my favorite quote from Murakami, but it fits what I’m trying to say and I’m getting a little tired of looking through the book. I like this passage because I feel a more optimistic towards fate. As though it is still something weird and strange, yet not necessarily scary or dark. This book, unlike Anna Karenina, has a happy fate for it’s characters.
Similarly, I like this quote because it fits what’s been happening to me lately when I’ve listened to music. I think it’s my way of secretly looking for signs or symbols that don’t actually exist, but it feels like I’ll listen to a song and something within the lyrics eerily is calling out to me.
Wow, I have a lady crush on all three of these ladies. They’re so beautiful and I love their voices and lyrics.
I recently rewatched “High Fidelity” because it was playing on tv during one of my days off from work. This movie has always irked me because I find John Cusack’s character to be extremely annoying. I think he’s selfish and pathetic. He desperately wants his girlfriend back, following her around like a stalker, but he’s never actually seeing her or understanding why things went sour.
Yet this end scene always drives home why this movie makes sense. This guy, ultimately, can’t see his girlfriend and can’t see the reality of the situation because he lives his life in fantasy. Where a grand dramatic gesture will win a girls heart back - or where every beautiful girl is going to be “the one”. And his realization at the end and this short monologue really overrides how annoying John Cusack was the entire movie.
I guess what I’ve been thinking about - since watching the movie - is if I’m guilty of living in fantasies. I would go so far as to say that “Love” itself is a fantasy. For me, someone who believes very strongly in logic, fact, and science, to believe in something like “Love” is most certainly a fantasy. Love is a concept, it’s an idea, just as much as God and religion. You can’t prove it’s there or prove that it’s happening - so why do I believe in it? I guess believing in it allows for your actions to not seem ridiculous. It legitimizes commitment and it legitimizes what drives you to do the things you do for someone. Yet, what happens when you become disillusioned with Love or fantasies, as John Cusacks character eventually does. In this movie it seems that fantasy was simply looking at other women - of seeking out some perfect story - and he eventually realizes his girlfriend is the one he loves. But to me it seems deeper. It’s realizing that there is no perfection, there is no ultimate happiness, so you stick with what you know has provided some sort of happiness. It’s so unromantic and strange, yet it makes sense to me.
But, I think I’m still living in a fantasy. I’d still like to believe that Love is what drives me, even if it goes against my own sense of logic and reason. I suppose this runs parallel with my agnostic beliefs on God and religion. Even though it doesn’t make sense, even though it’s an intangible thing, I want to believe that these things we do in our every day lives and these things that happen around us, are driven by a bigger nature - by God or by Love. Everything thing feels chaotic and dark without that belief. And I suppose, in the very act of believing in something, makes it real…
Julia Child and television crew on the set of her cooking show, The French Chef, Photo by Paul Child, 1963 (via Vintage Photo LJ)
Everything about this song.
Few things upset me more than this little kitty feeling sick. It dawned on me that Leo is technically a “senior” cat now. He’s at least 10yr, possibly older. It scares me so much to think that he won’t be part of my life that much longer. Trying to think positive thoughts, but can’t help to get all worked up when he’s clearly not feeling well right now :(
New Dr.Dog song. Really into this song and excited for the album.
However, in unrelated and worrying news… Leo is feeling sick today :(